pre-occupation with death?

I am not anticipating death, nor i genuinely give it much thought – although i imagine i run through it in my head more than an average 24yold would due to my occupation -.
I do happily tuck in bed – and occasionally the couch- , expecting to wake up the following morning because statistics and probabilities point to the fact that i SHOULD manage to hit snooze on my phone yet again in about 6-7 hours.
But it is there, the feeling of running out of time….
See i think i found it, it’s not death i’m preoccupied with…it’s time.

i think i am preoccupied with passive aggressiveness about my wasted youth.
This is when i should have travelled the globe, should ve laid for endless hours overlooking the sea and the sun…


Alla eimai klismeni mes se toixous, je spazei mou ta nevra mou tounto prama. There’s nothing to do within 4 walls but study.

Je eteliosen o xronos mou gia diakopes.
Se ena xrono pou ta twra 8a mai akoma mia korou tis diasporas pou 8a doulefkei agglia.
{je otan eixa diakopes i chose to spend it with my dear friends who do absolultely nothing in terms of travelling as a group…pile mou to all-time oneiro mou gia souvla pas ta vouna me tous filous mou je en to epragmatopoiisa tosa xronia}
{and it’s also an issue of money, i don’t come from a rich family…all my parents money goes to our studies+ rent+ everyday shit}.

Oi en metanionw to medicine giati en eshiei kalliteri douleia and u can challange me on that, i don’t mind.
Alla ta gerima…en toson complicated
Eidikotita: poian pou jines oulles? Pou? Lefta? An8rwpous?
Xronia: byeee fertlity.
Exoumen expire date filenades mou…je en megalo pligma aman to 8wreis realistika oti prepei na teliwseis tin eidikotita sou je meta na kameis kopelloui giati ta ma8imatika apla en terkazoun.
Alla who wants to bring a child in this world {see previous philosophical ponderings}?
For egoistical reasons i think i would.

Je en imoun je polla fond tountou ‘family’ theme, alla oson pernoun ta xronia me ta diafora pou 8wrw katalavw oti to mono pou en sta8ero en i oikogeneia… ase pou persi apla mia mera e3upnisa je oullos mou o kosmos alla3e je eskeftika inta kala na shieis antra je kopelloudkia je ena spiti gemato. Laleis na tan to viologiko roloi pou akoueis? Ase pou 8elw je enan permanent nest, pou na mporw na to diakosmisw opws 8elw, xwris na xw ennoia poses kashies en na 8elw se 10 mines pou na metakomoizw…

Je touta ta peri oikogeneias etc kamnei clash me tin protasi pou en alopos 15 grammes prin.

Je ase pou me opion paw na to syzitisw lalei mou na fkalw ponyma me eugeniko tropo giati i chose it je i shouldn’t complain (+ oti ‘en na shieis douleia toulaxiston’). {as if myself is defined by the job i do…but it is, isn’t it???).

Je ase #2 pou se opion paw na e3igisw pws en ta applications gia ti douleia next year ta misa pianun je sto telos syrnoun mou to 8eiko “e en na valeis londino prwto en nen?” {if it was that simple re paidkia…}. Alopws en na paw Nottingham je kanei. ( academic jobs…plis na shiei kati me oncology/immunology/haematology sto nottingham)

Sovara, niw8w san na je eimai 13-14 pale pou oulla efainountan mou toso complicated je pws 3imperteukeis?
Efkala je ena spiroui, eimai telia angry teenager…!

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3 Responses to pre-occupation with death?

  1. Moonlight says:

    Touto me ta mwra to mono p mporw egw na s pw en oti je tosoi pou teleiwnoun tes spoudes tous se pio logiki ilikia, en exoun me douleia me entra, me spiti gia na kamoun je kopellouthkia na to gemwsoun, ara men stenaxwrkiesai. Episis im for facing problems when they arise, not before. Oso je na sxediazoume prin, kapoios jipanw gela je peripaizei mas.

  2. milaz says:

    Έθελα να κάμω ένα σχόλιο γιατί τούτα που λαλείς εν πράγματα που σκεφτόμαστε ούλοι… What if I did not return to Cyprus and stayed on for a PhD? What if I decided to take the job in London? What if… ? Να σου πω κάτι – μάλλον δκυο πράματα: το ένα εν σχετικό με το θάνατο… σήμερα είμαστε δαμέ, αύριο ποιός ξέρει; Τούτο εν που με κάμνει τζαι πιστέφκω ότι πρέπει απλά να ζούμε το τώρα τζαι να το απολαμβάνουμε. Το δέυτερο εν σχετικό με τα “What if” questions – they are futile. Ό,τι κάμεις θα έχεις ένα opportunity cost – όταν κάμεις ένα πράγμα σημαίνει ότι δεν θα κάμεις ένα άλλο… επίσης, the grass is greener on the other side because we do not know what went into making it look so nice and green – the person that spent time to make his grass look so good is envious of your position/green grass…

    Τέλος, να σου πω (που κάποιον που είναι 32 και με το σπίτι και το νεογέννητο) ότι ποτέ δεν σταματούν αυτές οι σκέψεις… τζαι ότι επίσης τα πράγματα στην πραγματικότητα εν πιο απλά που ότι εν στο μυαλό μας … step by step, το κάθε πράγμα στην ώρα του…

  3. Cake says:

    kori koumera mouuuu giati en m eipes oti itan oneiro sou na kameis souvla sta vouna??? thelw tzai gw na kamw souvla sta vouna!!! we should do iiiiittt togethaaaa!!! (i know itheles oulli tin parea sou alla tzai gw kali eimai)

    oso gia to xrono p leifkei, en ena p ta pio vasika m psychoshit, pou me paralyei synexeia kai kamnei me na niwthw oti prepei na kamw shillia pramata gia na prolavw k meta otan den kamw shilia pramata agxwnomai k otan agxwnomai paralyw kai otan paralyw en kamnw tipote (thwrw weeds sto laptop vasika) Nomizw en kati p tha perna siga siga wspou megalwnoume k apo ti stigmi p se thema wrimotitas resseis me toulaxiston 4 xronia, esy mexri ta 29 sou tha eisai mia pompa! kai tha eisai k giatros!!

    btw simera etsakwthika me ton mastro m pale. Jesus ektos p oulla ta alla exw k authority issues damn it!!

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